More Space

It's been tight lately, in the body. A subtle gripping as the roots of fear are being exposed. Last night, as I was trying to walk on the ice, the instability in the hip joint sent a wave of intense shakiness into the gut, exposing the frailty that lies in the body's illusory relationship with life. It's like all the little threads that this body/mind believed it had to rely on are being cut or untied. Shaky indeed.

This morning I awoke to a strong sense of Amma with me. She's been in California, and I really miss being in her physical presence this year.

As I sat in meditation, the entire unified field came in quite strongly. The totality of everything was looking back at itself sitting on the couch. The body absorbed the recognition immediately, feeling that the circumstances of its life were only appearances. Like little bumps in the road.

 Its the body/mind that is realizing the Divine, as all its illusionary threads are being pulled away. The circumstances of Life, on any relative level are taking place in the body as well, so it feels like the body is taking in the absolute totality of everything. The body is feeling quite giddy with all this fresh space within, the space that is allowing the totality a way in. The giddy feeling is the totality in the body, it's bliss. To allow the body/mind this fresh assault of bliss is such a gift. To focus on circumstances is to refuse the gift. To feel the nervous system being rewired as the gift is received is allowing a new life to occur, one that is being sensed rather than thought. Again and again. I sense that this opening to the totality is something that will continue as the body leaves behind all limiting perceptions and experiences. We shall see, we shall see.

Clarity

Life is so amazingly effective at opening us up. Just so clarity can happen.

Yesterday, I got word from the landlady that she isn't going to put the house on the market until March. Of course I was greatly relieved to hear this, as my surgery is scheduled in two weeks. I can't imagine having to move right now, so I am sure glad to know I have a home for a little while at least.

But there is something else that is asking for my attention.

I notice that my body still feels quite disorientated from the recent string of events. I'd have thought that the news from my landlady would have allowed the nervous system to relax a bit, and that I would feel a little more normalized. But this is not the case at all.

The welcome news from my landlady has not changed how my body feels one bit. I continue to feel quite spun out, and the ego still feels like it has nothing to hold onto. There is still a strong sense that "self" is dying. The clarity with which I can see this however, is  much stronger. In fact I can sense that there has been a "thinning" of the reality through which I have been looking. The sense of separation that the ego structure is built on has become much more fragile, and way more subtle-almost vaporous. Yet at the same time, much clearer and obvious.

So now, all I want to do is look at this thinning of the separate self from the perspective of clarity. I don't want to lose sight of it. And the more I look, the clearer I see, and the stronger the reality is from which I see. This small self, even though it is an illusion, is still operating. It is still a medium through which Truth is experienced. How odd. Even though I know myself to be one with all of Life, there is still this medium through which I know this. Very odd.

Yet, the feeling of dying is still prevalent. It's like I know "my" life will soon be over. I can count on it. I have been watching this trajectory of the dying self for years, but now it feels imminent. Of course, I will keep you updated...

More Uncertainty

I've needed to add a small referendum to my last post, simply because life has changed again. And with the change, uncertainty has come back in stronger and clearer, and much more immediate.

I've scheduled my hip surgery for December, and I still don't know my housing situation. The deal with the house down the road fell through, and there is nothing for rent in my little town. The mind's tendency is to go into a dark place; a scary place. Yet, I know intuitively, this is exactly what I need to let go into Truth even deeper.

I've never experienced such an opportunity to let go of so much. To let go so absolutely. I can feel that Life is giving me just the right set of circumstances to let go of everything I think I need to know. Of everything I think I need. And right there in the letting go, is Amma. My love. My light. My life. I can not imagine being able to let go this much if I didn't have her in my life. I know this may sound immature to some, but what I have been experiencing has been terrifying to the ego. And if this terror isn't allowed to be felt, then the clarity will not be able to see what's terrorized. And what clarity is seeing is that Ego is dying. Not in the usual sense that we think of something dying. The reality of ego is dying because clarity is seeing ego completely. But it sure feels like dying...

And even though it is terrifying, there is also the knowledge that something like this doesn't happen everyday. So I need to let it happen. As deep and as consuming as it needs to happen. because I know I might never get another opportunity like this ever again. Maybe never ever. And knowing this is grace. Grace is my friend. Its all I got.