I've needed to add a small referendum to my last post, simply because life has changed again. And with the change, uncertainty has come back in stronger and clearer, and much more immediate.
I've scheduled my hip surgery for December, and I still don't know my housing situation. The deal with the house down the road fell through, and there is nothing for rent in my little town. The mind's tendency is to go into a dark place; a scary place. Yet, I know intuitively, this is exactly what I need to let go into Truth even deeper.
I've never experienced such an opportunity to let go of so much. To let go so absolutely. I can feel that Life is giving me just the right set of circumstances to let go of everything I think I need to know. Of everything I think I need. And right there in the letting go, is Amma. My love. My light. My life. I can not imagine being able to let go this much if I didn't have her in my life. I know this may sound immature to some, but what I have been experiencing has been terrifying to the ego. And if this terror isn't allowed to be felt, then the clarity will not be able to see what's terrorized. And what clarity is seeing is that Ego is dying. Not in the usual sense that we think of something dying. The reality of ego is dying because clarity is seeing ego completely. But it sure feels like dying...
And even though it is terrifying, there is also the knowledge that something like this doesn't happen everyday. So I need to let it happen. As deep and as consuming as it needs to happen. because I know I might never get another opportunity like this ever again. Maybe never ever. And knowing this is grace. Grace is my friend. Its all I got.