Getting accustomed to Emptiness

It is so easy to believe something external is going to help sustain us. Like there is something outside of our own connection to the Divine that is going to help us in our life. We've been taught this, and we've held onto hope that someday, our finances are going to improve, or our health is going to improve, or job is going to get easier, or our relationships are going to provide fulfillment. Or we are going to get enlightened...

These are all places where we invest hope. And this hope exists in the future. And the small person that has this hope, is inextricably linked to this hope in the future.

And when, through the years, none of these things give us what we want, this small person may begin to feel all kinds of stuff. From depression, hopelessness, despair, or the old "why bother....". This is natural to the small self (who is being dissolved through not getting what it hopes for....)

It is very important that we recognize that this is taking place in our being. For this dissolution is preparing us for a deeper way of Being. A way of Life that is not dependent upon hope-where there is an absence of reliance on anything other than the Divine Reality.

This is a process, of course. It is extremely rare to find ourselves completely reliant on the Divine. As soon as our health starts to fail, we will see how connected we are to our True Nature. As soon as our money runs out, where are we looking for support? When our old friends move on, how are we dealing with our aloneness? These kinds of circumstances are helpful to see where we are still placing our reliance, and if it is working for our evolution.

Because sooner or later, we will have to let go of all exterior reliance. The Beloved is calling us to Her, for everything. And the Beloved is empty...empty of hope. She doesn't exist in the future, because She is not of the mind. The Beloved, who wants all of you, is only in this moment. And because She holds no promise of any outcome, letting go to this emptiness is like falling free without a net to catch us. The bottom-- of our need to rely on ANYTHING-- is falling out.


Two nights ago I had a dream. It was an Amma dream. And, as many of you know, we don't dream about Amma unless Amma wills it. These dreams are gifts, and for me they are rare. And so, when they occur, I know they are significant and I need to pay attention.

In the dream, I was in India, at a public program with Amma. It was a huge program, with thousands of people present, coming to receive Amma's darshan. I was sitting quite close to Amma, in front of Her where I could see her clearly. She had in her hands a golden vessel, and it was filled with her pada Prasad, which is the nectar that was used to wash her feet. It is highly cherished among her disciples. She was holding it in front of Her heart, and over the vessel she was looking right at me. And then she spit in it, while still looking at me, imbibing it with her Self.

She then told me to take the vessel, and pass it out to all the people present. Since there were so many people, I felt a little daunted by this request from Amma. So, instead I went to one of the bramachirinis, or women monks, and told her about Amma's request. She took the vessel and said that we would pass it out at lunch, and the men could pass it out on their side. So, with this decision in place, I left the vessel in her care.

As soon as I walked away, I felt something nudge me inside. I knew that what Amma had asked me to do was needing to take place in this moment. She did not want me to wait. And so, I went back to where the Prasad vessel was sitting, and one by one, I began to pass out the nectar of God.


It's been awhile since I posted. During these past months there has been a very strong pull to go deep within. And there has been no movement to talk about it, or share teachings in a formal way. The sharing is happening now from a much deeper, more intimate place.

I just recently returned from a trip seeing Amma and family. I went to California, and then to New Mexico. And during this time my entire spiritual process was blown apart. And I was returned to my starting point.

You see, it all began with an intense love for God. That intense love fueled the fire to search for Divine Union with every ounce of my being. I gave up a future for "Joi", and instead surrendered my heart and soul to this Love. And that Love consumed me.

And now, more recently,  I find myself once again in this place of intense Love. Only now, there isn't a seeker involved. There is only Divine Love, intensely. I cannot control this feeling, nor would I ever want to. And within this Love, there is the Infinite Reality seeing itself, feeling itself, loving itself, and longing to know itself deeper and deeper.

While I was in Amma's presence i gave myself over to this experience. I cannot know how this life needs to play out, nor what "enlightenment" should look like. I left behind all those non-dual ideas long ago. I now abide in absolute not-knowing. Down to my vulnerable core. This is where the most intimate dance with the Divine takes place. And I am going to dance. And I invite all who dare, to join me.