Life is so amazingly effective at opening us up. Just so clarity can happen.
Yesterday, I got word from the landlady that she isn't going to put the house on the market until March. Of course I was greatly relieved to hear this, as my surgery is scheduled in two weeks. I can't imagine having to move right now, so I am sure glad to know I have a home for a little while at least.
But there is something else that is asking for my attention.
I notice that my body still feels quite disorientated from the recent string of events. I'd have thought that the news from my landlady would have allowed the nervous system to relax a bit, and that I would feel a little more normalized. But this is not the case at all.
The welcome news from my landlady has not changed how my body feels one bit. I continue to feel quite spun out, and the ego still feels like it has nothing to hold onto. There is still a strong sense that "self" is dying. The clarity with which I can see this however, is much stronger. In fact I can sense that there has been a "thinning" of the reality through which I have been looking. The sense of separation that the ego structure is built on has become much more fragile, and way more subtle-almost vaporous. Yet at the same time, much clearer and obvious.
So now, all I want to do is look at this thinning of the separate self from the perspective of clarity. I don't want to lose sight of it. And the more I look, the clearer I see, and the stronger the reality is from which I see. This small self, even though it is an illusion, is still operating. It is still a medium through which Truth is experienced. How odd. Even though I know myself to be one with all of Life, there is still this medium through which I know this. Very odd.
Yet, the feeling of dying is still prevalent. It's like I know "my" life will soon be over. I can count on it. I have been watching this trajectory of the dying self for years, but now it feels imminent. Of course, I will keep you updated...