The Vehicle

Through this past year I have learned and experienced many ways that the brain and nervous system operate through frequency. I have also experienced directly how Love and devotion allow us to completely surrender to the Unknown, thus becoming an instrument of consciousness.

I have always been a Bhakti, and Love for my guru as God has been my vehicle. When I stopped watching Amma’s programs last January, I did it because the Heart’s devotion was wanting a shift- a huge one.

As I began exploring my new studies, I recognized immediately that Amma, my Beloved, was the Quantum Field. She is Parashakti- the primordial source. As I learned to become sensitive to different frequencies within the Field, I knew I was connecting to Her in a completely different way- in a scientific way. I, as Awareness, was the observer of all Her magnificence…a little at a time, and yet blown away each day!

Through this new way of being in the Amma Quantum, I learned how important it is for one’s Heart to be wide open. It is the Heart that knows- not the mind. The Heart knows things beyond language- beyond intellect. If the Heart remains dull and lifeless due to other pursuits, we can never access the deepest knowing of the Universe. It is the Heart that guides us into the mysteries of the Universe, and it is the Heart that attracts the mystical to us. The Heart takes us beyond the ego’s need for security and opinions, and it is the Heart that also directs the flow of life into the higher energy centers within the body.

Being in Love in the Quantum is not separate from the Quantum. Love unifies. It aligns. Love also removes any obstacle (false identity) that may be hiding. My Love for Amma, as the Quantum Field has become incredibly encouraging and inspiring. Through my devotion, I choose to keep aligning with the Field, rather than what the old programs may want or think. Even when those programs feel like life or death, my Heart knows to align with the Field, as the Unknown. This choosing again and again, year after year, decade after decade has opened this Heart to such a degree that it is no longer questionable. I trust my Heart’s knowing more than I trust anything in this world, because the Heart is not of this world. The Heart is not affected by this world- not the real Heart. The real Heart has the capacity to contain the Quantum. It is the Heart that is the magnet for the Quantum- and when it is pure, the Heart has mastery.

As my Heart keeps being activated in the Field, my Awareness is getting stronger- more precise. I know that many in the Advaita circles may argue with this, but this is my experience. Yes, Awareness is not subject to change, but I sense that it can become more “aware” and also more guided. It feels like my Heart is guiding Awareness, like they are somehow linked. When I’m in my resting state- which is being aware that I’m aware, it feels like the Heart is supporting it somehow. The resting state has become more of a default state now, rather than a place I need to become aware of. It just happens on its own, and the Heart contains it.

I am tuning into Amma’s programs again- just to see her and hear her. She is my Mother and my Self, and I love seeing her. The moment I tune in to her, Awareness becomes much more conscious, as the Heart is activated- just like it is in the Field, which further tells me that the Heart and Awareness are linked.

Even though I have never heard anyone speak about this connection, I will keep following the Heart. My journey is taking me beyond philosophy and teachings, because the Heart is leading. We all have this within us, but most people don’t give it any energy because it’s not in their teachings. But Amma has always said that devotion is best for the western mind. And devotion to the Unknown is a super-efficient way to get past the ego and all its attachments.

The next layer- Fear

I shared about how scared and confused I was when I didn’t know what was going on with the pain. During this period of about 2 months (December & January one year ago), I was convinced that I was supposed to keep doing my exercises to get stronger (which was the program I purchased for the specific diagnosis I had). And because of the pain in the body, I got lost in the identification with the body. Thinking back in memory, I can recall a drive to get through it.

And then, once I learned about TMS (tension myositis syndrome) and began understanding the science behind it, the first thing I learned was that it was important to keep giving the brain messages of safety. And so, I became extremely conscious of not going into fear-based thoughts or feelings, because I thought that this would be counter-productive to my recovery. It wasn’t until many months later (8 months later!) that I realized that what the brain was afraid of now was the pain itself, and any movement that might trigger the pain. This all originated from my intense focus on exercise all those months ago. Most people with chronic symptoms go through a period of trying to “fix” the symptoms with a structural/physical approach which ends up causing the brain to perceive the symptoms as dangerous. This is why the recovery process can take time and needs patience and clarity.

This journey has not been linear. It has been a topsy-turvy ride of discovery through Awareness. It has taken a long while to convince the brain that movement is safe, and that the pain is safe. My journey to recovery is now showing the brain that walking distances is safe- even when there is sensation. This involves walking while in pain, because I know there is nothing wrong with me, to show the brain that I am not concerned with the pain. The brain is slowly getting the message, and yesterday I walked 5 miles with only some slight sensations towards the end. Hurray!

But something started the pain, and something has been triggering the brain into danger mode ever since I was a child. At first, I thought it was the stressful times I was going through. I thought that stress triggered the danger pain. This is a very common mistake that people make, and then they think that they need to keep all stress away (which creates a perception of danger). But stress is not what caused my original pain.

Just recently, I was told by my landlord’s family that I may have to move out. As you can imagine, after all that I’ve been through, this was not only a shock, but also a huge stressor. For a few hours, my poor brain was triggered into the old pattern of downward spiral and my mind was trying to come up with options. Fortunately, Awareness has become so clear and tuned in, that I was able to see the opportunity before me.

Fear in all its unobstructed presence was here. It was huge- like a big energetic fireball of terror. It had finally been able to come out of hiding, without all the old repressive strategies of the programs. I let myself be very tender with it and allowed an intimacy with Fear to be felt all the way through. There was no fear of the Fear- there was no need to understand what it meant, or why. It was just energy, being felt all the way by the Awareness in the body- in the nervous system. The tenderness was safe. And it lasted about 5 minutes.

I have now seen that I have never allowed Fear to be experienced like that. The brain has repressed Fear my entire Life because it perceived that emotion as dangerous. I have no idea how that began as I have had mindbody symptoms my entire life, for as long as I can remember. Because I cannot remember anything about my childhood (which is common btw), I cannot know a why repression has happened, and that’s okay. We don’t need to go into our past to heal- our right-now experiences are enough.

I have surrendered so deeply and so often into the Unknown, and Fear was always there, but the brain’s subconscious programs repressed it. Now that I have spent so much time completely in the Unknown, I can see that surrender is possible without needing to control any aspect of myself. If Fear wants to come back, it will be welcomed.

My life still hangs in the Unknown. But because of the profound clarity I have experienced, I feel a new inspiration. For me, the Unknown is pure potential, and the energy of transformation that has freed up all these programs and repressed emotions is also the Field of possibility. I feel so much lighter, and happier, even though I have no sense of security- except in myself. I am incredibly inspired to explore the Unknown deeper, more fully, and see what comes.

The Dance

While I was in the deepest and darkest days of pain, there was so much confusion and fear. In fact, I didn’t realize it at the time, but as the danger programs were being revealed, and the strategies to deflect weren’t working, the mind started creating thoughts of suicide as the only option. The sub-conscious brain can be highly irrational in its ideas of staying safe.

Yet, this is exactly what Life was wanting to expose- the separate identity that perceived- danger had been kept hidden. Perceived-danger had been the program for hiding false self- as an identity with the body. The pain was a symptom of that danger going on high alert, and when the suicidal thoughts began, the pain became extreme. Then the fear became a visceral feeling of shakiness that wouldn’t leave and would increase when the brain perceived any imagined potential threat (such as someone looking at me). This was all coming up from the sub-conscious, and I had no idea what or why the brain was perceiving danger- but it was. I was experiencing something that wasn’t created by me- but was something I inherited. I was experiencing someone else’s experience. I was experiencing the past in the present.

It was essential that I meet the experience as it was experienced in the past- as an identity. Not in thought or story, but as a “person’ that is afraid. It was essential that I drop all pressure to get beyond it, or to do it ‘right.” I had to allow the full visceral experience of perceived-danger to reveal itself, so that it could all be seen as “safe’ by the brain. If I had resisted the experience in anyway, the brain, which was already on high-alert, would have seen the resistance as another sign of danger. It was a highly complex dance in Awareness. Awareness became my super-power, and self-compassion the means to bring a sense of safety and comfort to a program that had never known self-compassion. And because of my past tendencies of self-pressure and perfectionism, this took a lot of vigilance. I had to change deeply, and ease with self-compassion was essential.

Even though I was looking at the program of perceived-danger, I was really looking at it’s extreme cousin of self-preservation, which is identity. Instead of inquiring it away, I needed to make space for it, comfort it, and make it feel safe. I found myself talking to my brain like I was talking to a terrified child, because that is exactly what it felt like. As an awareness, I became the Mother of this scared kid, and like any good mother, did not scold it or become impatient. I knew that this program would only come around when it was ready. I could not put a timeline on it, and I had to let go of all my expectations and longings to be free of pain. I had to learn to be indifferent to the pain, even when it was there 24/7. Instead, I had to practice consistent messages of safety to my scared brain, and compassion to myself.

This has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. Now that I am on the easier side of it (I still have a little symptom), I can look back and wonder WTF??? How and what just happened? I felt like I was not myself at all most days, and that time somehow collapsed. I can’t believe 9 months has gone by, because it felt like a time-tunnel where I lost all sense of relational reality.

And now that I am beginning to hike again, and feel much more energetic and capable, I can begin to look back (which is why I am blogging about it) and see that there was a much bigger force in charge. I didn’t try and heal, or understand what was happening and how to do it “right.” I, as Joi, was being led down a path that was already in place, and all the people I needed and Awareness I needed just appeared and were there. Success wasn’t “me” getting it right, it was already laid before me, and is continuing to be. Through this experience, which was a surrender of the highest order, I am seeing how literally everything is unfolding. My invitation is learning to relax into it, and trust. My heart is so open with Love and gratitude that I can hardly stand it. And now, being free of those programs for the most part, is giving me a sense of freedom that I didn’t realize was possible.