The next layer- Fear

I shared about how scared and confused I was when I didn’t know what was going on with the pain. During this period of about 2 months (December & January one year ago), I was convinced that I was supposed to keep doing my exercises to get stronger (which was the program I purchased for the specific diagnosis I had). And because of the pain in the body, I got lost in the identification with the body. Thinking back in memory, I can recall a drive to get through it.

And then, once I learned about TMS (tension myositis syndrome) and began understanding the science behind it, the first thing I learned was that it was important to keep giving the brain messages of safety. And so, I became extremely conscious of not going into fear-based thoughts or feelings, because I thought that this would be counter-productive to my recovery. It wasn’t until many months later (8 months later!) that I realized that what the brain was afraid of now was the pain itself, and any movement that might trigger the pain. This all originated from my intense focus on exercise all those months ago. Most people with chronic symptoms go through a period of trying to “fix” the symptoms with a structural/physical approach which ends up causing the brain to perceive the symptoms as dangerous. This is why the recovery process can take time and needs patience and clarity.

This journey has not been linear. It has been a topsy-turvy ride of discovery through Awareness. It has taken a long while to convince the brain that movement is safe, and that the pain is safe. My journey to recovery is now showing the brain that walking distances is safe- even when there is sensation. This involves walking while in pain, because I know there is nothing wrong with me, to show the brain that I am not concerned with the pain. The brain is slowly getting the message, and yesterday I walked 5 miles with only some slight sensations towards the end. Hurray!

But something started the pain, and something has been triggering the brain into danger mode ever since I was a child. At first, I thought it was the stressful times I was going through. I thought that stress triggered the danger pain. This is a very common mistake that people make, and then they think that they need to keep all stress away (which creates a perception of danger). But stress is not what caused my original pain.

Just recently, I was told by my landlord’s family that I may have to move out. As you can imagine, after all that I’ve been through, this was not only a shock, but also a huge stressor. For a few hours, my poor brain was triggered into the old pattern of downward spiral and my mind was trying to come up with options. Fortunately, Awareness has become so clear and tuned in, that I was able to see the opportunity before me.

Fear in all its unobstructed presence was here. It was huge- like a big energetic fireball of terror. It had finally been able to come out of hiding, without all the old repressive strategies of the programs. I let myself be very tender with it and allowed an intimacy with Fear to be felt all the way through. There was no fear of the Fear- there was no need to understand what it meant, or why. It was just energy, being felt all the way by the Awareness in the body- in the nervous system. The tenderness was safe. And it lasted about 5 minutes.

I have now seen that I have never allowed Fear to be experienced like that. The brain has repressed Fear my entire Life because it perceived that emotion as dangerous. I have no idea how that began as I have had mindbody symptoms my entire life, for as long as I can remember. Because I cannot remember anything about my childhood (which is common btw), I cannot know a why repression has happened, and that’s okay. We don’t need to go into our past to heal- our right-now experiences are enough.

I have surrendered so deeply and so often into the Unknown, and Fear was always there, but the brain’s subconscious programs repressed it. Now that I have spent so much time completely in the Unknown, I can see that surrender is possible without needing to control any aspect of myself. If Fear wants to come back, it will be welcomed.

My life still hangs in the Unknown. But because of the profound clarity I have experienced, I feel a new inspiration. For me, the Unknown is pure potential, and the energy of transformation that has freed up all these programs and repressed emotions is also the Field of possibility. I feel so much lighter, and happier, even though I have no sense of security- except in myself. I am incredibly inspired to explore the Unknown deeper, more fully, and see what comes.