I have always encountered doubt. I just wanted you to know this. This journey has brought me face to face with a lot of egoic insecurities. Over time, they have all needed to be exposed. And due to this highly exposed life, doubt was a constant for me. The ego highly doubted the success of life...spiritual or material. Oh, it maybe had little glimpses, that came with incredible spiritual experiences, but the tendency after those experiences was always towards doubt.
And with the doubt came despair. The wiring in my being took doubt and turned into a dark despair. The future looked bleak, there was no hope in it. And doubt and despair took this and turned into giving up, and jumping off a cliff. And mind imagined the cliff...and going off of it. The end. Kaput.
I am not going to sugar-coat here. This is what I lived with for about 10 years. TEN! And then it didn't disappear entirely- rather it has been a very slow and gradual transformation into something else. The despairing wiring was very morbid and dark. But I also had something else going for this life- and that was Love. I loved God with all my soul...and my entire Being experienced this Love through and through. And because I had already opened up significantly to the Divine, when all this despairing kind of stuff began showing up, the Love began using it to go deeper.
Despair has an energy to it. It goes in...and descends into our Being. It is dark, and unknowing. It turns all hopes into impossibilities. It negates the future. And the ego has no place to land. It simply wants to die.
Yet, Love was here always underneath. When despair hit the bottom, Love was the only option for this Life. And it turned towards Love again and again. Over and over...becoming more and more open each time. Open to itself...Love within opening to Love as God.
The transformation has been so gradual that for many years it was undetectable- especially since despair would still come visiting whenever doubt showed up. The ego has used this disguise for itself. But Love never judges this...it uses it to open up to itself. To find itself...to know itself. And doubt is now becoming a beacon to Love. "Over here!" doubt cries. "I don't know Love!" And Love comes rushing in, with its deep compassion and potential for Grace, bringing doubt into it's ever encompassing, infinite Field.
Steady on, my friends. There is something tremendously potent about perseverance, as Devotion matures and becomes pure in its intention. Doubt is a natural response for the ego- can we access our clarity- to see it for what it is? Can we open to this Divine Field, and offer our souls? Can we fall in love so deeply, allowing doubt to find room for itself to relax and be acknowledged?
We offer ourselves to God with all of our Being. That is how it is.