The story continues...part 3

I became increasingly aware of the thought/feeling connection that was hard-wired in my hyper-vigilant brain. I also saw how the brain began “looking out’ for danger that hadn’t happened yet. It’s like the danger-program was so hard-wired that it began looking for things that may happen, or that could happen. Now, before the pain became so extreme all this stuff was in the subconscious. I didn’t see it. But I have been acutely aware of another program all my life, and it has been hugely perplexing whenever it would fire- and it was constantly firing. This conscious program was the survival program- the one that was always worried about money, housing. etc- the one that felt lack. This survival program has been there as long as i can remember, and no matter what I did, it remained. But because of my ignorance, I always thought that my circumstances needed to change for the better for the program to resolve. Being aware of it never worked. I even signed up for a very expensive online program with a very well-known teacher to help me, but it didn’t even come close to helping me free this issue.

Of course, the survival program triggers the hormones of stress into the body. The adrenals respond to the brain’s perception of danger, and if it is constant, the entire system gets overwhelmed. Disease, pain, fatigue, immune issues, digestive stuff, all come from this imbalance.

In June of this year, I found a new teacher. I had learned all that I could from my mindbody coach, and I felt much better. And even though the pain was still constant, and walking remained difficult, I knew it was time to take it to the next level. The survival issues were still being activated, and the emotional response still had a certain tendency that was not resolving. i knew that these programs from my past, that were affecting my present had to be resolved, and I was ready. I now had an inner drive/guidance kick in that I have felt before when something really resonates with my journey. I felt inspired. And this inspiration wasn’t just about getting out of pain- it was about complete liberation. The pain had simply opened the door, and like all aspects of our journey, when we walk through one door, eventually another will follow. It’s the evolutionary process, and mine was about to kick into high gear.

The story continues...part 2

The condition that my body/mind was experiencing is known as TMS, or Tension Myositis Syndrome. This term was coined in the mid 80”s when a doctor began healing people of chronic pain using a different approach. He knew that pain was caused by the brain, as a danger signal, and all that the patients had to do was convince the brain that it was safe.

TMS happens when the flight or fight response (or freeze or fawn) gets switched on too often or gets switched on and doesn’t turn off. In my case, it got switched on and wouldn’t turn off, which is why i experienced so much shakiness. The brain perceives danger, and it slightly decreases the blood flow to different places in the body, which causes the muscles to contract with pain. My leg and foot actually turned purple, and my leg shortened by a couple inches.

There can be many different types of symptoms with TMS. The most common are skeletal musculature, digestive (IBS), migraines, and dizziness. But there are many, many others. None of them have anything to do with the body- it’s all a brain response. It’s all the brain perceiving danger.

I began reading all the science I could (I’m kind of a science nerd), and I found it fascinating. I then listened to many stories of people that were now symptom-free- using a mindbody approach to convince their brain that they were safe. I heard lots of different stories with lots of different symptoms, and lots of different modalities were used to get better. One of the most common traits of people with TMS is that they/we all share a personality trait. We are perfectionists (to ourselves), we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and we really want people to like us. Every single TMS person I have ever met share the same qualities, and they were all very kind and sensitive people. It’s kind of funny that these are the kinds of qualities that are society likes most, when it is actually the most energy-draining one.

After I studied all that I could, I decided to get some personal help. I found a mindbody coach and joined his online coaching calls. In this group of people, with my coach’s guidance, I learned a ton about people, and what helps people get better, and what doesn’t. I also slowly began to decipher what my brain was perceiving as dangerous. Now, this is the interesting part, because there are many ways for the brain to perceive danger. It can see it in the environment (people, jobs, etc), it can see it in time (past, future), it can see it in the thoughts, and also in emotions. It can see it in the Unknown. And then, when you add on difficult symptoms- it sees it in the pain. The brain is highly irrational in its perception of danger, because it’s the subconscious part of the brain that is operating from old programs. So, you can be perfectly fine, but the brain does not believe so. This is the challenging part of recovery- getting the brain to believe that it is safe. Because if the brain has been on high-alert most of it’s life, those programs are hard-wired. I was able to recognize these tendencies/symptoms going all the way back to my childhood. I believe that I inherited them in utero from my mother who was a single 16 year old, and was probably terrified. Who knows what we inherited from our parents, but with chronic pain, we have great incentive to change all that.

I ended up working with my coach for about 5 months. It took about 4 months to get the shakiness to subside. But the pain symptoms were still fairly strong, and I still couldn’t walk without a limp and a cane. I also still had a few other symptoms. The body does keep score, and I began to be much more tuned to it as an instrument of consciousness. I was still in the early stages of learning so much more about the subconscious programs of my past.

An Update- the beginning of a story

HI Friends!

It’s been years since I’ve posted here, because I’ve been in a very challenging, sometimes dark, and transformative place. I’m happy to report that I feel like I’m on the other side of that experience, and I feel ready to share some of what I’ve learned along the way.

Covid hit all of us differently. I think all of us were affected by it in some way or other. For me, I got permanently laid off my job, and had to move out of the house I was living in. I ended up being without a home for about 6 months- which was sometimes difficult. When I finally did find a small place to rent, the landlords decided to raise my rent after 6 months to a rate that I could not afford. Then, miraculously I found another place, which wasn’t easy at first.

Before all this started, I was feeling a pain in my groin/hip. I went the usual medical route, and the scans showed some wear and tear which the doctors wanted to do surgery on. Fortunately, I listened to my heart, and decided to not go that route, and worked on getting stronger instead. This worked ok for a little while. But the pain got much worse when I was homeless. Once I found a place to live, the pain subsided to a tolerable level. And then, when i had to move again, the pain got worse, and then got much worse while I was trying to adjust to the new place. And then it got worse, and worse- spreading from my groin to my thigh, shin, foot, glute. This all began in December 2021.

I had to use a cane, and at the worst point I could barely walk to the bathroom. Most movement was intensely painful, and I became very shaky. I noticed i was shakier around some people, which made the pain worse. I also entered into a downward spiral emotionally, and I became quite freaked-out by what was happening to my body. I didn’t feel like myself at all, and this led to my thoughts becoming suicidal. I was in the darkest night I have ever known.

I had been listening to Amma’s daily online programs since Covid started. My meditations were always full of Love and were incredibly inspiring. But as this pain increased, and my mind became more agitated, my meditations stopped having the lasting effect and I could feel the despair just under the surface. I remember one morning, when I was trying to move (sitting became very difficult as well), I just broke down sobbing, and when I looked at the screen, I could see Amma wiping tears from her eyes. I knew she was feeling me, but it did nothing to alleviate the fear that had taken over. This dark night lasted for about two months, but it felt like forever…I think the combination of all the homelessness, the financial stress, the intolerable physical pain coupled by the not-knowing finally broke me.

And then Grace stepped in, in the form of a friend that had heard about a new approach to chronic pain. As i began to research this approach (mindbody, TMS), all the dots connected, and understanding the science gave me such a huge relief. I was still in tremendous pain, but my mind was no longer in a state of despair. I found a way through. Little did I know then, where this discovery would lead me.

To be continued….