An Update- the beginning of a story
/HI Friends!
It’s been years since I’ve posted here, because I’ve been in a very challenging, sometimes dark, and transformative place. I’m happy to report that I feel like I’m on the other side of that experience, and I feel ready to share some of what I’ve learned along the way.
Covid hit all of us differently. I think all of us were affected by it in some way or other. For me, I got permanently laid off my job, and had to move out of the house I was living in. I ended up being without a home for about 6 months- which was sometimes difficult. When I finally did find a small place to rent, the landlords decided to raise my rent after 6 months to a rate that I could not afford. Then, miraculously I found another place, which wasn’t easy at first.
Before all this started, I was feeling a pain in my groin/hip. I went the usual medical route, and the scans showed some wear and tear which the doctors wanted to do surgery on. Fortunately, I listened to my heart, and decided to not go that route, and worked on getting stronger instead. This worked ok for a little while. But the pain got much worse when I was homeless. Once I found a place to live, the pain subsided to a tolerable level. And then, when i had to move again, the pain got worse, and then got much worse while I was trying to adjust to the new place. And then it got worse, and worse- spreading from my groin to my thigh, shin, foot, glute. This all began in December 2021.
I had to use a cane, and at the worst point I could barely walk to the bathroom. Most movement was intensely painful, and I became very shaky. I noticed i was shakier around some people, which made the pain worse. I also entered into a downward spiral emotionally, and I became quite freaked-out by what was happening to my body. I didn’t feel like myself at all, and this led to my thoughts becoming suicidal. I was in the darkest night I have ever known.
I had been listening to Amma’s daily online programs since Covid started. My meditations were always full of Love and were incredibly inspiring. But as this pain increased, and my mind became more agitated, my meditations stopped having the lasting effect and I could feel the despair just under the surface. I remember one morning, when I was trying to move (sitting became very difficult as well), I just broke down sobbing, and when I looked at the screen, I could see Amma wiping tears from her eyes. I knew she was feeling me, but it did nothing to alleviate the fear that had taken over. This dark night lasted for about two months, but it felt like forever…I think the combination of all the homelessness, the financial stress, the intolerable physical pain coupled by the not-knowing finally broke me.
And then Grace stepped in, in the form of a friend that had heard about a new approach to chronic pain. As i began to research this approach (mindbody, TMS), all the dots connected, and understanding the science gave me such a huge relief. I was still in tremendous pain, but my mind was no longer in a state of despair. I found a way through. Little did I know then, where this discovery would lead me.
To be continued….