The Transformation through Love

It was 30 years ago when I found myself so sick that I couldn't get out of bed. I had spent all the money my mom had left me when she had passed three years before. I had been to every promising naturopath, acupuncturist, and M.D. that might help me. But with every doctor's prescription, I only found myself sicker. Until I finally took to my bed, and stayed there, convinced that I was going to die.

It was not the kind of sick that is a helpless kind of sick- I could still function. Yet, I was extremely weak, and had a great difficulty focusing on anything. I couldn't read and understand and understand what I was reading, so researching about my illness wasn't available for me (and internet hadn't hit the mainstream yet). I also couldn't follow conversation easily, so engaging with people was exhausting. As a result, I found myself isolated in my fear, alone with no-one to support me in what I was going through.

I was exhausted and scared. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I had begun to put myself in a little box of feeling sorry for myself. I think this is only natural for folks, until they realize what they are doing. I felt like a victim. And this made my illness even more exhausting.

But I had one thing going for me... I was already aware of God all around me. Several years earlier, I had experienced a big shift in perception, and I knew in my heart that my illness, and the fear of dying was taking me deeper into my relationship with God. And so, I began to open up to this Divine Presence. And I spoke of my fear, of my loneliness, and as days went on, I began to speak of my Love.

My fear and my loneliness were an open door for me to realize my Love for God. I was at the bottom...I felt no hope that I would ever get better. And in this place, I discovered a deep and very real Love for the Divine. This Love allowed me to open up to God all around me, because all I wanted was to voice this Love...to feel it deeply in my heart. And even if I did die, I would know that I had told God, and myself, the truth.

This Love drew God in closer, and my being delighted in opening up to this experience. Through this openness, I began to see that the "poor me" that had defined itself as a victim was not real. The illness had begun to expose an idea- that I was a victim of circumstance- as just an idea. This victim had kept me ill.

After seeing through this false sense of self, this victim, I began to feel better. I still wanted to open up to God, and to feel Her hold me, and know me. And so this became the primary focus of my days, and not my illness. And little by little, I became well. And it wasn't much later, that the illness was just a memory.

The Fertile Ground and the Transformation of doubt

Because of my devotional nature, I find myself continually opening up to my Beloved. she is always here with me, and knows my being extremely well.

Lately I have been encountering doubt, and as I open up to my Beloved, doubt is being exposed like the root of a weed. And as doubt is being exposed, I can see it for what it is. Nothing more than a quality that "I" has attempted to hide behind- to keep itself safe. "I" can still subtly believe that it is the doer, which is an immature aspect of ego.

Yet, through the absolute recognition of not-knowing, the Fertile Ground of  Being can be accessed. Deeper and deeper into this ground all aspects of our ego is absorbed. The Fertile Ground is pure potential, and is the medium through which doubt is transformed.

Ego doesn't die. It is transformed into a tool. And that tool is to be used by Life. But first doubt must be absorbed into the Fertile Ground of not-knowing. 

We all must encounter this doubt. If we do not embrace this doubt, this doubt of the "I" will certainly sabotage Life. By falling in Love again and again, doubt will come to the surface, to be transformed into a sword to be wielded, efficient and precise- for the benefit of all.

Doubt and Devotion

I have always encountered doubt. I just wanted you to know this. This journey has brought me face to face with a lot of egoic insecurities. Over time, they have all needed to be exposed. And due to this highly exposed life, doubt was a constant for me. The ego highly doubted the success of life...spiritual or material. Oh, it maybe had little glimpses, that came with incredible spiritual experiences, but the tendency after those experiences was always towards doubt.

And with the doubt came despair. The wiring in my being took doubt and turned into a dark despair. The future looked bleak, there was no hope in it. And doubt and despair took this and turned into giving up, and jumping off a cliff. And mind imagined the cliff...and going off of it. The end. Kaput.

I am not going to sugar-coat here. This is what I lived with for about 10 years. TEN! And then it didn't disappear entirely- rather it has been a very slow and gradual transformation into something else. The despairing wiring was very morbid and dark. But I also had something else going for this life- and that was Love. I loved God with all my soul...and my entire Being experienced this Love through and through. And because I had already opened up significantly to the Divine, when all this despairing kind of stuff began showing up, the Love began using it to go deeper.

Despair has an energy to it. It goes in...and descends into our Being. It is dark, and unknowing. It turns all hopes into impossibilities. It negates the future. And the ego has no place to land. It simply wants to die.

Yet, Love was here always underneath. When despair hit the bottom, Love was the only option for this Life. And it turned towards Love again and again. Over and over...becoming more and more open each time. Open to itself...Love within opening to Love as God.

The transformation has been so gradual that for many years it was undetectable- especially since despair would still come visiting whenever doubt showed up. The ego has used this disguise for itself. But Love never judges this...it uses it to open up to itself. To find itself...to know itself. And doubt is now becoming a beacon to Love. "Over here!" doubt cries. "I don't know Love!" And Love comes rushing in, with its deep compassion and potential for Grace, bringing doubt into it's ever encompassing, infinite Field. 

Steady on, my friends. There is something tremendously potent about perseverance, as Devotion matures and becomes pure in its intention. Doubt is a natural response for the ego- can we access our clarity- to see it for what it is? Can we open to this Divine Field, and offer our souls? Can we fall in love so deeply, allowing doubt to find room for itself to relax and be acknowledged? 

We offer ourselves to God with all of our Being. That is how it is.