A Clean Slate

What a strange dance this is. For these past few months, there has been very little movement to put myself out there, other than the meetings that I have scheduled. Instead there is an intuitive knowing that the drive to "make happen," is being completely removed. And those drives, as a teacher, would be to write blogs, post things on social media, put out newsletters, etc.

Yet, here I am doing those things. And, there is no drive to make it happen. Because I can't imagine any outcomes to any of it.

My head is getting emptied. Emptied of imagined outcomes, because outcomes are a very small way of seeing things. Emptied of ideas of what needs to be done. There is only the impulse to keep opening up to what I cannot know- but can only Be.

Simply put...I am a clean slate. And if writing on the wall happens- in the form of ideas, thoughts, imagined outcomes- it is my devotion to opening that erases them. WE are being erased- in the form of all those ideas- so that our most deepest sense of "I" evolves and grows up.

A Clean Slate is kept clean, so that a new language/life can be written. By keeping the slate clean, we are accessing the realm of pure potential....pure bubbly life. You can feel the absence in your being- deep within the nervous system. Keep the slate clean is pure devotion to what can write the new language. So, here we are.

Cloaks and Disguises

Several years ago, I had lost my day-job. Even though that job was my primary source of income,  the circumstances surrounding that job had made it impossible to stay. Life had brought down it's sword and severed the relationship, and there was nothing I could do.

It was one of those times that brought up a tremendous amount of fear. Not simply because I had lost my job, but because I knew in my heart that it was a perfect time to stand in the fire of not-knowing, and allow that fear to come to the surface.

My intuition told me that it was a perfect storm. I also knew that those perfect storms don't show up everyday, and that I needed to grab the opportunity to allow the storm to happen.

I had gotten a short house/pet-sitting gig, and it was cold. The shakiness of uncertainty was keenly felt, and I knew it to be a root of separation. I knew it needed to be uprooted. So, I let the storm come in...in the absolute terror of certain death. Ego knew that its fear of the unknowing was being exposed...and it really felt like I was going to die. It was imagining possible outcomes of homelessness and other vague scenarios, in which the worst could happen.

It didn't take long. Not really. Once I was aligned with the storm- the Divine intelligence that was the storm, and not feeding into the story of needing to feel safe- the shift happened in an instant. The storm blew in, and the disguise of needing security was lifted. And as I was standing there, looking out the window into the cold bleakness of grey skies, a shadowy cloak fell from my being, and disappeared as if it never was.

I knew what it was. Only a cloak, a hiding place. And without that cloak, the consciousness within the ego was free. The consciousness within that illusory ego-structure lost its need to know, because the future of possible outcomes left with the falling away of the cloak. 

The sense of "I" still remained, but there was a sense of liberation. I felt free from the disguise of fear and insecurity that was my entire view moments ago. 

It was a brilliantly clear and precise gift from the storm...to show my being what the separate ego structure really was- nothing but a cloak of fabulous illusion- while the consciousness within it merged back into the sea. Calm and unruffled, after the passing of the storm.

Real Inquiry

Many years ago, I had an interesting Darshan with Amma (one of many). She gave me my hug, and then pulled me up to face Her. With a questioning look, she said "I???" I got up and walked back to my seat with that question in my head..."I???" That was my initiation into inquiry. And even though serious inquiry wouldn't happen until many years later,  I had already asked myself the question. I had already felt into the "I."

  One of the most powerful ways to access potent inquiry is to be in the world, or in a relationship of some kind. Maybe even both. Because this sense of "I" arises so much when we are engaged with others, and with life in general. Spiritual Inquiry isn't using some technique to find a more comfortable experience, or to get rid of feelings of separation. It is to see "WHO" it is that needs these things. Because if we are using inquiry to get out of our experience, there is "someone" that is trying to get out.

I know, I know. You've heard it before. But have you ever really taken this seriously? I mean, have you every felt into the sense of "I?" Have you ever felt into what it is that is so afraid? What it is that needs to feel secure? What it is that feels separate? The person that demands to be heard? That needs to be right? What is that? Feeling separate, or afraid, or insecure isn't the problem here. These are just a few of infinite ways that ego disguises itself, yet they are also huge clues to where awareness is within the disguise. Our surface awareness will naturally go to the obvious stuff- the stuff that is easiest to perceive- the appearances. But real inquiry can penetrate much deeper than that...into the felt-sense of "I."  Our devotion to the Divine Field, which I speak of continuously,  is the means to expose this  felt-sense of "I." As we open to the Field, it is possible to become more aware of the "I."

The sense of "I" is completely allowed- there is nothing wrong with it- yet deep within it, consciousness is opening up to itself- to the Field. This is how consciousness begins to transcend the personal. So when we get really honest, and we are conscious of our personal needs, our blames, our fears- that defining boundary of the "me or I" gets very clear.  But now that we are open from inside, through our devotion to the Field, we can feel it strongly. And this is when we do inquiry. This is when we question this "I." This is how that felt sense of "I" softens and loosens.

  I find myself in interesting situations all the time. I seem to attract them. And everything that comes my way is another doorway into seeing the illusory of separation. And every time I investigate, there is only one thing that makes separation feel real. It is the density of "I." But when I share this sense with the Field, those boundaries of separation fade. The consciousness within the "I" sheds its cloak of the disguise of that moment. And that disguise is whatever I am believing in that moment.

  As Amma says..."I????" What is that? What is it really? If consciousness is everywhere...maybe we can begin looking in the least obvious places.