It’s not uncommon to find ourselves somewhat disillusioned at times. We’ve been surrendering our entire life away for decades, only to find the same old issues hounding us like dogs. We grow weary of it. It becomes redundant, and we grow older. Our days may look bleak as we become unable to put up with nonsense from others. We don’t want to even try anymore. Meditation may provide us with some relief, and the silence is still beautiful and deep. But this life is, well, making us feel a bit frustrated.
This is what I was feeling when I hit a wall about a month ago. Frustrated. I could no longer handle my housing situation, or my job, or my health issues, or my [lack of] finances. Frustrated. I felt ready to crack. And I couldn’t hide it anywhere. My cracking self needed to get out of town.
So, I went out to the desert. It was my 60th birthday. I chose the Grand Gulch area. Perfect weather was forecasted, and the recent rains would make water available, and that makes camping in the desert much more enjoyable.
I drove out after work the day before Mother’s Day (my birthday). It was still cool, but sunny. I got to Comb Wash in SE Utah about 7 pm. Found a lovely campsite with no-one around and got out of the car. The sweet scent of sagebrush, cliffrose and sand rushed into my senses. I breathed and smiled and immediately felt so much better. This was going to be a good trip.
The next morning I picked up my permit for my hike down into Grand Gulch. I was a bit nervous, as it was my first backpack of the season, and I was going alone. But the trail proved very easy, and soon I found myself making miles with ease.
When I found my first camp, I felt like I was in a very sacred place. Grand Gulch is filled with ancient Anasazi ruins, and you can feel the spirits in this place. Rock art is everywhere, and it's easy to imagine the canyons filled with laughing people. Peoples that knew how to live close to this environment.
As I sat in my camp, I allowed myself to get very quiet. There were many birds, and other sounds. Everything began to drop away, and I could feel myself arrive. The energy of this place was so strong, and it came in and touched me deeply. I asked for healing, and I could feel deep places within my nervous system being soothed.
The next day remained quiet. I walked and listened. I saw the ancient sites with an opened heart, and deep respect. I make offerings, and sat, and could feel my nervous system open and relax as the healing work continued. At the next camp, I began to speak to the trees. I told them how I felt in my heart. I could feel them all leaning into me, listening deeply. I shared everything with them, and I was heard. I didn’t realize how much I needed to be heard. This was also very healing.
I came home refreshed and renewed. I knew that I needed to honor my heart more- by being honest about how I felt about things in my life. I feel like I have outgrown many of my old ways of being. I feel like I have taken a new step in a way that is empowering to the Heart. I found my voice out there with the trees, and the plants and birds- and with the spirits of the Ancient Ones. I feel newly inspired to live my life- in a way that feels good to my heart. This feels very right to me, and very free. And my heart feels happy and good because of this recognition.