The not-talked-about vulnerability of being a teacher

I don’t share much about my relationship with being a teacher. And I haven’t heard any other teachers sharing their vulnerabilities around it either. So I thought I might as well start.

I was asked to teach. I was approached by three different people and asked to start sharing my experience. At this time, I had just returned from India and was in a bit of shell-shock around the cultural differences and also my own place in society. I didn’t feel I had any idea of how to proceed. When I was asked to teach, I honestly didn’t think I knew anything. I had experienced many profound shifts and openings, but knowledge was not my jam- I was a Bhakti. I only knew Love.

So I decided to go ask Amma about it. She would know. And the day I approached her in Santa Fe, I had unconsciously slipped into a projection of how she was going to answer me. I imagined her being so kind and happy with me and encouraging me to start sharing my experiences. Instead, she grew very serious and scary (Kali is scary sometimes), and she told me I had to wear my own pants. I didn’t know what this meant at the time, but in the moment, I interpreted it as meaning she was saying no. It wasn’t until 6 months later that she came to me and said, “Amma never said no!”

And so I began teaching. The first time I shared, the energy was so strong I could barely speak. I don’t think the other two people noticed it, but this was my first taste of the transmission. I would get used to it.

The meetings were for the most part quite successful. We met every week, and even in my small town there were usually about a dozen people or so. The talks were all from the stream of consciousness, and I never knew what I was going to talk about beforehand. It was incredibly energetic!

But then I made a mistake. I allowed myself to start to have personal relationships with the students- meaning we started to gather and celebrate things like birthdays and Christmas and such. I didn’t know any better and I simply wanted things to be as natural as possible. But the lines became blurred, and I could feel the relationships changing in some of the students. They began to expect things from me- like to be beyond having human feelings, and imperfections. They started to project expectations like they wanted to be special and to be treated like a closer disciple or something weird. Ewww. One of them kept asking me to make him a teacher. And when I told him he had more work to do, he got angry and started saying things behind my back. He and several others left. I was deeply hurt by this, but I also knew it was part of my education. I had to learn through these difficulties.

At that time I had not learned how to be detached. I had not learned how deflect other people’s crap. This is something every teacher needs to learn, because we all get projected on. Many people come to a teacher expecting the teacher (or therapist) to bestow some sort of magic enlightenment upon them and then they will become something special. I have seen so much unconscious behavior, but in those days I just did not know how to deal with it. It would make me want to quit teaching many times, and there were times I did stop. But then I would start again because it seems to be my dharma. (I have the teaching transmission of both Amma and Adya). So, I have to keep going, and now that I am more experienced in sharing with others, by learning from my mistakes. I have much more confidence and stability. I am extremely grateful for that.

Devotion to the Unknown

I’ve begun to witness a phenomenon amongst spiritual circles here in the west. and I know I am not the only one.

It’s so easy to hold onto concepts as a solid truth in teachings, when in fact the journey takes us far beyond any conceptual understandings and experiences. What begins to happen to us- as an instrument of consciousness- far exceeds the limitations of mind.

Yet the teachings of Neo-Advaita have taken their hold here in the West, and many people are attracted to this “high and direct path to realization.” The primary core of this teaching is that there is “no self” to be realized and that you are already That. Students of Neo-Advaita teachers hear these teachings and apply their intellectual understandings to them and imagine what “no-self” would feel like. This is a great example of staying in the “known.” There is no devotion to the Unknown, and so they are hanging onto what they think they know. They then begin to deny their self any individuation, which may lead to dysfunction and disempowerment.

The examples that I have seen also lead to a kind of dried-up despondency. People stop being interested in spirituality because they are no longer inspired by the Unknown but are instead holding onto an illusion. The denial of self and journey may lead to repression which causes all kinds of weird things to happen.

Many years ago Adya told me that he could see I had completely lost my personal self. I found that interesting but because I can’t hold onto anything (due to no personal self), I continued on. I forgot about it. I did not make it into a teaching (that I can remember). After a number of years I had a conversation with another teacher whom I respected, and she talked about her loss of self. I tried to grapple with that and apply my own experience to it, and for a very short time I believed that a loss of self was some sort of landmark on the journey. Thankfully Amma kept me on track, and I let that concept go.

Now this concept has become widely accepted as an achievement of sorts. I just had a conversation with a few knowledgeable people about this. I have been concerned about this as I am seeing more and more people get confused and misled. We all agreed that this is an issue. But it is not my job to talk people out of their beliefs. My job is to keep evolving myself, and to see where this goes.

My first awakening in my 20’s was a huge shift in identity from the separate self into an impersonal Cosmic Self. It was an enormous shift that catapulted me into spiritual bliss and inspiration. But it was only the beginning. These shifts kept happening over the decades, but they were always the same; separate self into Cosmic Self. One aspect of separation was shifted from that identity into the impersonal aspect of Self. There was never ever a time that Self was not present. Ever.

What has kept this occurring over and over again is my devotion to Cosmic Self, as the great Unknown. I give myself to the Unknown again and again. I am never ever trying to project some kind of spiritual teaching onto it- because that would be the known. If we apply the known to the Unknown, we will stay in the known- we will not be able to get beyond the self that knows.

People that claim no self are staying in the known. And because they are doing this, they are not able to access the deep energetic principle that brings about radical transformation. They are not able to get beyond themselves. We need to get beyond everything we know from our past to keep accessing this principle. This is the energy we want to access- as it is the means to go into the Unknown, as the unknowable.

Deficiencies and Self-Compassion

Vedic Scripture describes the path to enlightenment as the removal of ignorance. This is it. It does not describe it as lofty experiences (although they can be quite inspiring), attainment of a certain state, or anything else other than this.

Amma describes it as the removal of ego. I believe in this context and what I am about to share with you, ego is ignorance. And the ego that is to be removed is the ego that feels separate, or the separate self. (Ego in its functional aspect is necessary to live in a body).

The separate self can never feel whole. It will always feel incomplete with what I call deficiencies. And when these deficiencies arise, and when we, as consciousness are identified with them, it can be difficult. And when they arise to be removed it can be extremely difficult and scary. The brain can even be activated to perceive these deficiencies as dangerous, and this is why people adopt new identities to mask their deficiencies (including awakened spiritual identities).

But when we’re on the path of removal, we want to see these deficiencies. We want to see them so that we can view them from many angles; so that we can become aware of them. We want to stay conscious of them as much as possible, so that we don’t go unconscious through the strategies that often accompany them. We need to be aware of them, so that we can go beyond them. I want to be very clear here that we are not trying to get rid of the self! We are only seeing the limitations within that self, which keeps it feeling separate. The deficiencies provide an opening- a doorway.

It’s not always easy though to catch them. The body, throughout its life has become attached to them. It’s like an addiction. And when the right circumstances present themselves, and the deficiencies present themselves, the body will insist that these thoughts and feelings are true. And the deeper we go into the removal, the more insidious they become, and the more prone to convincing the body that they are true. This is where some people fall from grace, and if the person doesn’t have anyone to hold them accountable, that fall might bring others down as well. These falls are often the result of emotional repression and denial.

But when we encounter these deficiencies within the separate self (programs), it’s extremely important to learn to slow down and take some time with oneself. Usually, the automatic response with deficiency is self-judgment and resistance. We unconsciously put pressure on ourselves to get out of it, and back into a feel-good state. But the removal isn’t about feeling good, or feeling awake. The removal is about liberation. And the liberation of deficiencies will not feel good because the body is addicted to them and will fight like hell.

This is the moment when self-compassion is crucial. Stop. Be kind to yourself. Breathe. Take a look at what is happening. Open your focus. Are you fighting yourself? Are you in resistance? This will only make the deficiency hold on, and the brain perceive danger.

Self-compassion gives the message of safety to the brain. Opening your focus brings in more pure Awareness and can shift the identity from deficiency to clarity. Learning to be gentle with yourself during removal is critical if you want to go all the way through.