The Big Surprise- Emotional repression
/In my journey with chronic pain, I discovered many things about myself. I would discover one thing, and that would lead to another, and then it might circle back to the original thing but on another level. And the more discoveries I made, the more ready I was to leave behind everything I thought I knew about awakening and spirituality.
One of the most shocking and revealing discovery was around emotional repression. As I said before, the brain can perceive danger in many things, including emotions. And because this is all in the sub-conscious, we don’t recognize it- until hopefully one day, we do.
I always had the belief that I didn’t repress emotions. I have always sat with my sadness, my grief, and my Love. I was really good with those emotions. And then there was the common belief among spiritual teachers and circles that a genuine awakening frees up repression. I have heard this many times, and it seemed true to me. I couldn’t hold back sadness or grief if I tried. It all just came up unbidden. And I’ve also experienced frustration, irritation and repulsion in varying degrees, which wouldn’t feel very nice, but I never ever got curious about them.
Life has a funny way of knocking on your door to get your attention. And in my life, the knocking has been endless. As a result of that knocking, I experienced a lot of frustration. And this last year, the frustration seemed to increase. And because I was already getting things opened up through understanding how chronic pain worked, my Awareness had increased quite a bit. So, one day, a circumstance occurred that had happened many times before, and the default frustration came up in a big way. In a moment I recognized that I wasn’t frustrated- I was pissed! I was really angry! And I knew I needed to be angry (not to anyone or anything), but as I tried to access the feeling, I couldn’t! I was unable to feel anger! It kept wanting to go back to extreme frustration. I have never experienced anger before- only frustration (and I’ve had many opportunities). I had to work with allowing anger to come, but I found a way to finally release it, and it lasted for about a week. Getting angry in a safe way and place felt incredibly good to me- very empowering. Gone was any sub-conscious resistance to anger. I think many people have this resistance and repression.
As I’ve deepened through the last nine months with my emotional discovery, I’ve recognized that there are many moments throughout the day when very subtle emotions try and surface but aren’t allowed by some sub-conscious default program that keeps them managed. Little ones like uncertainty and lack of confidence have been revealing themselves to Awareness. And then there are the moments when the big one shows up in little ways- FEAR. And because Life is so uncertain right now, these things do show up. Life is making sure they show up. And now, once I can recognize them throughout the day, through maybe a subtle shaky feeling, or a moment of doubt, my skill at feeling them completely has improved. Awareness is now laser focused on recognizing them. And it just takes a moment of pausing and acknowledging, feeling without judgement or belief, and it’s gone. Even the big Fear pops in for some acknowledgement, and once felt, presto! It’s vanished. I don’t need to sit with anything or journal about it (although very helpful at certain times!), because the feeling just comes in like a welcome visitor, through the open door, and is here.
I used to watch Amma for hours when I lived with Her. She would show all these emotions and yet have no attachment to them at all. One moment she would act angry, and then she was in bliss. She was offering a great teaching by that. Now I can feel that energy happening throughout my day. I keep the door open by checking in what I am feeling as I am cooking or exercising, driving to grocery shopping, or thinking about what to write on this blog. And the more I tune into this energy, the more fun it is to meet every little thing. And some are so slight- but they are there. As a result, my nervous system is becoming much more open. I sense that all emotions hang out in our nervous system, ready to be felt. And if there is any repression at all, this affects our health and well-being.
Learning what Liberation really means is up to each one of us. It is not a certain experience- it is all experience.