Clarity

Life is so amazingly effective at opening us up. Just so clarity can happen.

Yesterday, I got word from the landlady that she isn't going to put the house on the market until March. Of course I was greatly relieved to hear this, as my surgery is scheduled in two weeks. I can't imagine having to move right now, so I am sure glad to know I have a home for a little while at least.

But there is something else that is asking for my attention.

I notice that my body still feels quite disorientated from the recent string of events. I'd have thought that the news from my landlady would have allowed the nervous system to relax a bit, and that I would feel a little more normalized. But this is not the case at all.

The welcome news from my landlady has not changed how my body feels one bit. I continue to feel quite spun out, and the ego still feels like it has nothing to hold onto. There is still a strong sense that "self" is dying. The clarity with which I can see this however, is  much stronger. In fact I can sense that there has been a "thinning" of the reality through which I have been looking. The sense of separation that the ego structure is built on has become much more fragile, and way more subtle-almost vaporous. Yet at the same time, much clearer and obvious.

So now, all I want to do is look at this thinning of the separate self from the perspective of clarity. I don't want to lose sight of it. And the more I look, the clearer I see, and the stronger the reality is from which I see. This small self, even though it is an illusion, is still operating. It is still a medium through which Truth is experienced. How odd. Even though I know myself to be one with all of Life, there is still this medium through which I know this. Very odd.

Yet, the feeling of dying is still prevalent. It's like I know "my" life will soon be over. I can count on it. I have been watching this trajectory of the dying self for years, but now it feels imminent. Of course, I will keep you updated...

More Uncertainty

I've needed to add a small referendum to my last post, simply because life has changed again. And with the change, uncertainty has come back in stronger and clearer, and much more immediate.

I've scheduled my hip surgery for December, and I still don't know my housing situation. The deal with the house down the road fell through, and there is nothing for rent in my little town. The mind's tendency is to go into a dark place; a scary place. Yet, I know intuitively, this is exactly what I need to let go into Truth even deeper.

I've never experienced such an opportunity to let go of so much. To let go so absolutely. I can feel that Life is giving me just the right set of circumstances to let go of everything I think I need to know. Of everything I think I need. And right there in the letting go, is Amma. My love. My light. My life. I can not imagine being able to let go this much if I didn't have her in my life. I know this may sound immature to some, but what I have been experiencing has been terrifying to the ego. And if this terror isn't allowed to be felt, then the clarity will not be able to see what's terrorized. And what clarity is seeing is that Ego is dying. Not in the usual sense that we think of something dying. The reality of ego is dying because clarity is seeing ego completely. But it sure feels like dying...

And even though it is terrifying, there is also the knowledge that something like this doesn't happen everyday. So I need to let it happen. As deep and as consuming as it needs to happen. because I know I might never get another opportunity like this ever again. Maybe never ever. And knowing this is grace. Grace is my friend. Its all I got.

A New Life

Sometimes Life really wants our attention. And it may bring us some challenges to get that attention. And if we are not tuning into the way Life is moving, we may resist it, or attempt to change it. We may try to control the circumstances by thinking our way through them.

But Life is here to show us that we are being taken care of, in ways that we cannot understand with our minds. We are constantly being guided by the Infinite Reality, right within our own Being. We are waking up, as consciousness, so that we move with Life, as Life, not against it. And if we find ourselves in a challenging circumstance, then it is time to get quiet, and pay attention.

Recently I was told I needed surgery on my hip. This has been a constant source of discomfort for me, and the idea of being pain-free, even if it means surgery, is something I want to experience.

And then, just a day after a very powerful Four-Day Retreat, I was told that the house I was renting was going on the market, and that it would probably sell rather quickly, and that I would need to move out. The only "problem" with that is that there were no houses for rent in my little town that I can afford. Not one.

I went through a little darkness then. The weariness of being in pain, along with knowing that I would need a couple of months recovery time, without a known place to live pulled the rug out from under me. (This is when we can see if we are a bit too accustomed to where we are). A dense, dark cloud descended, and I felt lost and overwhelmed.

I couldn't fight this. I had no energy to do so, and no weapons with which to fight. The invitation to sit in overwhelmed was all I had. It didn't last long. The part of "Joi" that needed security literally fell away. I watched it happen. And in its place was a blazing awake clarity. My body felt very light with an enthusiasm that wasn't there before. A sense of possibility opened up in my Being. We were going some place new!

I had an idea to check out places to live in the next town, about 1/2 hour away. So I began to search for a new home. There were several to choose from. I now feel that this new place is only a stepping stone, and not an arrival. And because I will still need to work at my little day job at the library, I will need to commute in the winter. And so guidance is suggesting I sell my old truck, and lease a new car. How exciting! There is a new flow of life here, and now that I am paying attention to it, I recognize that the old way of Being was becoming a bit stagnant and uninspired. This new flow feels light and full of new energy. Creative energy. I can sense that it may lead me to another place. I can almost count on it. And because I no longer need "my" way, I am open to Life's way. And even though I have lived in this gorgeous, sweet community for over 20 years, I can be open to change if this is what Life wants. I feel like I am about to embark on a new adventure, and I have no idea where it will lead. But I also know that I don't need to know.